What to say/ What not to say to Survivors of Tragedy

“Listening is not just etiquette. It's a way of loving, honoring and respecting others. Listening is a way of bonding and connecting. It's a way of sharing ourselves and our humanity.”
— From the book "One"

What to Say

Use gentle, supportive statements that invite the survivor to share and feel heard:

  • “Can you tell me what happened?”

  • “I’m so sorry.”

  • “This must be difficult for you.”

  • “I don’t know what to say.”

  • “Everyone grieves differently.”

  • “It’s normal to feel __________ under these circumstances.”

  • “It’s OK to feel __________.”

What Not to Say

Avoid statements that minimize pain, impose judgment, or rush healing:

  • “I know how you feel.”

  • “Don’t feel __________.”

  • “It will be better tomorrow.”

  • “You can always rebuild.”

  • “At least you’re not hurt.”

  • “What you need to do is __________.”

  • “Don’t cry.”

  • “He’s out of his pain.”

  • “He’s in a better place.”

  • “Calm down.”

Summary

  • Speak with survivors in brief, compassionate sentences. Don’t overtalk.

  • If you don’t know what to say, it’s OK to be silent. Your presence speaks volumes.

  • Avoid trying to “fix” the situation or reduce the survivor’s pain.

  • Use tentative, empowering language:

    • “Perhaps...”

    • “Maybe...”

    • “You might...”

    • “Have you considered...?”

Avoid directive language:

  • “You should...”

  • “I want you to...”

  • “If I were you...”

  • “Don’t...”

  • “The best thing for you to do is...”